Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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