oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
