Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
