i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
