you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
