No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
