why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
