there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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