yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
