Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
