dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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