drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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