kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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