do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
