I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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