you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
