I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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