I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
