I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
