Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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