First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
