There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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