Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
