thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
