do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
