I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
