wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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