During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
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