woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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