His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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