he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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