we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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