He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I believe in your delicious
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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