I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
The best revenge is premature balding
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
