I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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