that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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