Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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