it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
my poor anus
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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