Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
she told me i tasted like america
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
