Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
