I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
