Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
