Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
