Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
