I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
