We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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