Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
