u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
