The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
