a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
vagina is talking i cant
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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