I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
