Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
