Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
